Choose You Blog

Last week I wrote about my lack of running motivation.  A few hours after I posted that, a new friend, Kelli, I met at my last race, sent me an e-mail.  Kelli said I could share any part of her message I felt like sharing.  I had tears in my eyes after I read her opening paragraph to me:

Hi Heather, I know I barely know you. But I have some thoughts.  It sounds to me like you need a Time Out from goals and ambitions and just focus on emotional recovery. Do what feels good right now, like biking, is my thought. Get through the mess, give yourself time and slow down. You’ll come back stronger and more motivated once you allow yourself some healing time. Be easy on yourself. I didn’t say give it all up, just listen to how you feel and don’t beat yourself up over it for a bit. Allow yourself to be crappy. Allow yourself to run 10 min miles. It’s OK. You out there, living, going on in spite of the last year. Give yourself a big High Five for that!! You are healthy, you are making decisions for your boys, being a mom, working, that’s a lot right now without added pressure of race training. 3 months, 6 months, a year or whenever, you will be rip roaring and ready to race!! It’s either that or take away your expectations for the race. And just do them regardless of your time, how much you trained for it.

Everything Kelli wrote, was how I was feeling.  Deep down, I figured I needed to slow down some, but it is hard for me to do that.  Kelli’s message made me realize that it is okay to take a breather at times.  

Kelli didn’t know when she wrote this, and I didn’t mention it in my last blog post, but my mother died in February as well.  It was unexpected and for a week, I watched her die.  One day after I returned home from her death, I had to be ready for some serious issues in the divorce case.  It really struck me last week, for the last year and a half, how I have had to switch modes so fast-from divorce, to dealing with cancer, to recovery, to back with dealing with divorce, then my mom’s death, and then back to divorce mode.  I had no choice, but to cope with what the most important issue was at the time.   This exhaustion that has set in, I think is a result of finally not having to live in that mode anymore.

And running- it helped me cope.  It gave me a break from all these intense situations.  When I was running, I didn’t have to worry about my mom not being here anymore, or attorneys, or an upcoming trial, or my health.  I could just be me, and leave all this other stuff behind while I ran.  It made me stronger physically and mentally. 

The last time I ran was a week ago.  I followed Kelli’s advice and just ran as slow as I wanted to.  It felt like I was at the beginning again, but in a way I am. It wasn’t my fastest time, but it wasn’t my slowest, and I wasn’t exhausted after running. However my knee has been hurting off and on, and I’ve been having pain in one of my shins after running. 

I decided to give myself at least a one week break from running.  Over the weekend, I had no desire to run, and wondered how long it would be before I missed it-or if I even would? 

On Monday morning, I woke up at 6:45AM and thought if I were running, I’d be in line at the BolderBoulder- one of the nation’s best 10K (6.2 miles) races.  I felt sad for a second I wasn’t there.   

A lot of my running friends were running in it, and I looked at how they did later in the day.  When I saw their times, I was very happy for them, and I realized my training times for 10K were in these time ranges a few weeks before.   All of these times were run by runners, who I consider great runners.  They aren’t elite or professional runners, but I never considered myself in the same league with them.  Thinking about this, for the last few days, has provided me with even more motivation.

But first, before I can run away with this, (excuse the pun), I still need to give myself some healing time.  It is what I need for now- for the short term.  I am going to take it one day at a time, and see how I feel.  I will know when the time is right to get back into the race training mode. 

Thanks to everyone who commented or sent me an e-mail. .