Choose You Blog

Note: This is a series post I wrote for my blog, about some intense training I’ve been doing to prepare for my first competitive running race, which is tonight.  This is part two of the series, and you can read part one here. 

My dad and I started off for Vail Saturday morning.  We got to the trail head for Gore Lake by late morning.  It was already 90+ degrees.  We were going to try to get about a mile away from the lake, spend the night, hike to the lake on Sunday morning, and then head back.  We both are pretty good hikers, so this didn’t seem overly ambitious.  My dad had hiked this before, and had done just fine.  Except it had been in the fall, when it had been much cooler.

The hike started out right away uphill- there was no shade, and there were a ton of rocks.  I could feel the heat from the rocks radiating back on to the trail- and on to us.  It felt like I was in an oven baking.  I’ve never weighed my backpack, but it is probably about 20-25 pounds.  My dad’s is heavier, and it seemed like after that first climb, we were both already tired.  In hindsight that should have been a clue- it was too hot.  Here is a picture of me with some wildflowers- about a mile into the hike.  It was one of the few places along the trail with shade.   

We kept hiking, and it just seemed to get hotter and hotter.  There was no breeze either.  The sun was so intense, and the air was hot, heavy, and humid.  I commented to my dad, it felt like we were in a jungle.  We had already drank our water, and we stopped so we could filter some more from the river.  We took off our backpacks, and my shirt was soaked.  It was like I had just taken it out of the washer. 

We drank some more water, and my dad said it wasn’t too much farther to a meadow where we could stop for the day.  There were not any other places to stop and camp- it was all pretty steep terrain, so we figured we could go until we got to the meadow.   

We hiked another mile- in the heat and sun, and there was no meadow.  I felt exhausted.  It was hard to think, and it was just so hot.  I told my dad the bike ride the day before had seemed easy compared to how I was feeling on this hike.  My dad said he was getting some cramps in his legs, and he couldn’t quite remember how much further it was to the meadow.  I had my dad drink the rest of the water we had until we could get close to the creek again.  My dad got the map out, and it looked like we were really close to where this meadow was supposed to be.  We had hiked 4 miles.  My dad said the cramps in his legs were going away, and now we had to find some more water, so we kept going.

We came out of the bend we were in, and below us was the creek, and what looked like some places where we could stop.  I told my dad I was done- I didn’t care about the meadow- I just wanted to stop for the day, and he agreed.  We hiked another half mile or so down, and stopped at the creek to get some more water.  I started shivering- even though it was still hot and sunny out.  I had just read about heat exhaustion, and remembered some of the symptoms were chills and muscle cramps.

We couldn’t seem to drink enough water, and we were dehydrated.  My dad decided to go scout around and see if there was any place we could camp- we were in a marshy grassy field- the ground was all swampy.  So I stayed with our gear and drank more water.  I was sitting with my shoes and socks off, my lightweight jacket on, shivering, but also very hot. I was also exhausted.  I was fighting not falling asleep.   It was the weirdest feeling.   Here’s a picture I took of the creek:

My dad returned half an hour later, and said he had found a great camping spot.  It was a quarter mile away, in trees-which meant shade.  It was right near the creek too, so we’d have water.  If could have ran, I would have but I suddenly felt beyond exhausted.  My chills had stopped though, and my dad didn’t have any more cramping.  We made it over to the campsite and it was gorgeous!  It overlooked the creek, and there was a small waterfall. 

We put up the tent, and drank some more water.  I told my dad I couldn’t keep my eyes open any more, and was going to lie down.  He said he was feeling better, and he’d get things organized.  I was asleep it seemed the moment I laid down.  I woke up an hour later, and we ate dinner. I was still exhausted and decided to go to bed.  I think it was around 8PM.  I haven’t gone to bed that early since I was a kid.

I woke up around 2AM, and got out of the tent and looked at the stars.  It was clear, cool, and with the sound of the creek right behind me, it was so pretty, calm, and peaceful.  I was feeling better, but knew we both had some heat exhaustion.   

We woke up early, ate breakfast, and started to pack up.  It was actually cool and it felt so nice after the previous day.  I took this picture of my dad:

We started back- right back into the sun which was already hot.  We didn’t make the same mistake twice though.  We stopped every 15 minutes and drank a little bit of water.  We passed a few hikers who had said it had been 104 in Denver the day before and it had reached 95 in Vail.  The sun is so much more intense at the altitude we were at- it was no wonder we had difficulties.

The last mile of the hike back was killer.  We had finished our water, and we were up too steep to get to the creek.  The first half mile was all up hill.  There was no shade at all, the sun was blazing, and it was all rocks to our side- holding and reflecting the heat back on us.  That last mile seemed like 10.  My shirt was dripping with sweat and the heat was so thick and heavy.  For a few minutes, I really wondered if I could keep going.  It was physically the hardest thing I have ever done, to keep putting my feet in front of each other to keep moving. 

I looked at my Garmin, which said we had about half a mile to go, and then the Garmin died.  I don’t really remember what happened next, except, we finally were off the trail, and made it back to the car!  I don’t think I have ever been so happy a backpacking trip was over.

My dad looked as exhausted as I felt.  We stopped and got some food, water, and some chocolate milk before driving back to Denver.  When we got back, we were both feeling much better, but still drained.  It took me until Tuesday night to really feel better. 

It was kind of nerve wracking how fast the heat exhaustion happened.  My dad and I are both pretty cautious hikers- we don’t take a lot of chances, but we clearly shouldn’t have hiked that far with it being so hot out.  I’m just glad we were near water most of the time and were able to recover quickly.  My dad said it best- the next time it is 90+ degrees in the mountains he’s not going hiking- he’s going to the pool. 

The last few days I have thought about my race, and the workouts I’ve done.  I won’t know until tonight if the heat exhaustion will factor into my running, but I don’t think it will.  If anything, I believe it has given me more confidence and a mental edge.

I was preparing for this race as being very difficult, but after this past week, it doesn’t seem like it will be as challenging.  I’ve trained extremely hard for this race.  I was talking to one of my friends this week about the race and training and he asked me why I push myself so hard.  During the bike ride up the hills, and on that God-awful hot hike, I kept thinking one thing: last year at this time, I was so sick some days I could not get out of bed.  I told my friend it is hard, but it is also a gift. I push myself because I can. 

Tonight I’m pushing myself with running.  So many people have told me I’m crazy for running a sprinting race in July in the heat!     But it reminds me I can.  When I line up at the start line, when I hit the half way mark, and when I cross the finish line, in my first competitve race, it’s because I can.

I’ve been running again.  I have been running shorter distances, but working on building speed.  A few months ago, if I didn’t run five miles at a time, I felt like I wasn’t working hard enough.  I honestly can’t remember off the top of my head, the last five mile run I had. In the back of my mind, I know this is not going to get me to a marathon in October.  But right now, it is good enough.

All my aches and pains have vanished- I have not had any more knee pain since I stopped pushing as hard as I was.  Since I am injury free, and working my way out of the physical and mental groove I have been in, I decided to enter a race. 

I felt like I needed a challenge I had not taken on before.  Since I know I am not ready right now to tackle a half marathon, and my body seems to be doing well with shorter but faster runs, I signed up for a 3K  (1.86 miles) in July.  I checked the top times from last year, and was pretty excited to see the times I was currently running were in the range with the finishers in the competitive field.  My current time is nowhere near the top level, but it was there.   With competitive runners. 

I stared at the computer screen for several minutes, wondering if this was right.  If I had to run this race today, I would finish somewhere in the middle among competitive runners.  I would be near the top for my age group.  The race description said the area’s fastest runners show up for this race, and with such a short distance it is quick!  And it is going to be hot!  It is outside, at 6PM. I am NOT a warm weather or heat runner. The last few weeks temperatures have been in the 90′s at 6PM.  This is definitely one of the most challenging things I’ve tried. 

But I was not going to let heat stop me, so I signed up for the race, in the competitive division. So I am now training for what will be my first race in 2 months, and my first competitive division race.  I have three weeks until race day to get faster and deal with the heat.  It has been hard.  I have dropped an average of 30 seconds off my time so far, and I hope I can keep adding to that.  I want to finish well, but even if I am the last person to cross the finish line, it feels good to be running and training again.

I’ve realized I might not make the goal of running in a marathon by October.  I never gave myself the option not to.  But when trying to reach any health or fitness goal, you have to have a little wiggle room.  If you never allow yourself room to fail or to be unsuccessful, then I don’t think you can ever allow yourself to reach the level of success you want either. Success and failure go hand in hand- you can’t have one without the other.

Not every training run for this fast intense race, is a success.  Sometimes the heat gets to me.  Sometimes my time is slower than the previous time.  But all of this is paving the way  for me to have success- hopefully in a few weeks in my first competitive race, and when the time is right- a marathon.

Last Saturday, June 12th, was the one year anniversary of my thyroid cancer and neck dissection surgery.  A few months ago, I had a goal- a definite way I wanted to “mark” this day.  I was going to run in a tough half marathon in the mountains of Estes Park, Colorado.  Although I have run a half marathon distance before (13.1 miles) it would have been my first half marathon race.  I thought if I could run a mountain terrain half marathon at an elevation of 7,000+ feet, it would be an excellent foundation to build on for a full marathon. 

I would have had to put in some major training, and if you read my last post, it was obvious it wasn’t going to happen.  I thought a lot about the two races I’ve missed now, because of the time I needed to rest and regroup-physically and mentally.  It is hard missing out on a goal you really want to achieve, when your body won’t let you. 

Thinking back on my surgery from last year, it is amazing to me how much my body has been through, and really-that I can even push it to the limits I do.  I still have shoulder pain from the nerves they had to move in my neck, to get to my lymph nodes.  I’ve recently been told I need to have physical therapy on my shoulder because the muscles are so shortened and out of place.  I hardly notice the pain anymore, and this arm feels just as strong to me as my other arm, which was not affected by the surgery. In just a year-365 days-my body has made a remarkable recovery. 

But I have realized over the last month, I can’t expect my body to recover from a major surgery, heal from cancer, process radioactive iodine, function with almost 100 less lymph nodes, kill off microscopic cancer cells, adjust to thyroid hormones, be a mom, daughter, sister, friend, employee, deal with enormous amounts of stress through a divorce and losing a parent, and push physically as hard as it ever has, and not expect to ever be tired and need a break. 

I missed two goals I really wanted to accomplish, but I have also gained something I never would have otherwise.  Perspective.  My body last month was telling me it needed to rest.  I am glad I listened, because I think it will make me a better and stronger runner overall. 

Last Thursday, I finally had a run where I had a consistent pace again, some distance, and I wasn’t tired.  I had a bit of knee pain still, which I am convinced, is tied into running somehow.  It only started hurting a little over a month ago, when I was running.  I noticed the knee pain, before I tuned into how my body was feeling.  I hiked two weekends ago almost 10 miles on a tough trail, carrying 20+ pounds of equipment, and I had no knee pain whatsoever over the course of two days.  It might sound silly, but on that hiking trip, I decided when my knee didn’t hurt when I ran, the time would be right to come back to race training.  

On Monday I ran.  I wanted to run fast.  I wanted to run a shorter distance and see how it went.  I ran at a fast pace so I had to work, but I did not go “all out.”  I ran on grass, which is harder to run on.  I felt good.  I ended up with one of my fastest times ever for the distance in a training run.   There was only a tingle of knee pain.    

And so, I am beginning again.  I am going to gradually and consistently push forward.  I have a new short-term goal I will write about next week. 

I’ve learned a lot in the last year, but over the last month I have learned one of the most important lessons:  Sometimes by not doing anything, listening to your body, and just being, it is the best way to choose you.

Last week I wrote about my lack of running motivation.  A few hours after I posted that, a new friend, Kelli, I met at my last race, sent me an e-mail.  Kelli said I could share any part of her message I felt like sharing.  I had tears in my eyes after I read her opening paragraph to me:

Hi Heather, I know I barely know you. But I have some thoughts.  It sounds to me like you need a Time Out from goals and ambitions and just focus on emotional recovery. Do what feels good right now, like biking, is my thought. Get through the mess, give yourself time and slow down. You’ll come back stronger and more motivated once you allow yourself some healing time. Be easy on yourself. I didn’t say give it all up, just listen to how you feel and don’t beat yourself up over it for a bit. Allow yourself to be crappy. Allow yourself to run 10 min miles. It’s OK. You out there, living, going on in spite of the last year. Give yourself a big High Five for that!! You are healthy, you are making decisions for your boys, being a mom, working, that’s a lot right now without added pressure of race training. 3 months, 6 months, a year or whenever, you will be rip roaring and ready to race!! It’s either that or take away your expectations for the race. And just do them regardless of your time, how much you trained for it.

Everything Kelli wrote, was how I was feeling.  Deep down, I figured I needed to slow down some, but it is hard for me to do that.  Kelli’s message made me realize that it is okay to take a breather at times.  

Kelli didn’t know when she wrote this, and I didn’t mention it in my last blog post, but my mother died in February as well.  It was unexpected and for a week, I watched her die.  One day after I returned home from her death, I had to be ready for some serious issues in the divorce case.  It really struck me last week, for the last year and a half, how I have had to switch modes so fast-from divorce, to dealing with cancer, to recovery, to back with dealing with divorce, then my mom’s death, and then back to divorce mode.  I had no choice, but to cope with what the most important issue was at the time.   This exhaustion that has set in, I think is a result of finally not having to live in that mode anymore.

And running- it helped me cope.  It gave me a break from all these intense situations.  When I was running, I didn’t have to worry about my mom not being here anymore, or attorneys, or an upcoming trial, or my health.  I could just be me, and leave all this other stuff behind while I ran.  It made me stronger physically and mentally. 

The last time I ran was a week ago.  I followed Kelli’s advice and just ran as slow as I wanted to.  It felt like I was at the beginning again, but in a way I am. It wasn’t my fastest time, but it wasn’t my slowest, and I wasn’t exhausted after running. However my knee has been hurting off and on, and I’ve been having pain in one of my shins after running. 

I decided to give myself at least a one week break from running.  Over the weekend, I had no desire to run, and wondered how long it would be before I missed it-or if I even would? 

On Monday morning, I woke up at 6:45AM and thought if I were running, I’d be in line at the BolderBoulder- one of the nation’s best 10K (6.2 miles) races.  I felt sad for a second I wasn’t there.   

A lot of my running friends were running in it, and I looked at how they did later in the day.  When I saw their times, I was very happy for them, and I realized my training times for 10K were in these time ranges a few weeks before.   All of these times were run by runners, who I consider great runners.  They aren’t elite or professional runners, but I never considered myself in the same league with them.  Thinking about this, for the last few days, has provided me with even more motivation.

But first, before I can run away with this, (excuse the pun), I still need to give myself some healing time.  It is what I need for now- for the short term.  I am going to take it one day at a time, and see how I feel.  I will know when the time is right to get back into the race training mode. 

Thanks to everyone who commented or sent me an e-mail. .  

The last few weeks, I have lost some motivation.  Ironically it started right around the time I made the commitment to Choose You, and subsequently announced I was going to run in a marathon this year.

Prior to Choose You, I didn’t announce my goals, or “put them out there” to everyone.  I’d tell a few friends what I was hoping I could do.  I’d sign up for a race, and write about it on my blog.  I guess you can say the pressure is on, and I have a fear now- what if I can’t do this? 

Another factor coming in to play is the conclusion of my divorce.  It had been going on for a year and a half, and any divorce that takes that long is complicated, and usually not very easy.  At the end of the court trial last Wednesday, it was finalized, and I felt completely drained. I missed posting my blog post here last Thursday, because I had no energy after the trial to write anything.  I think the conscious and unconscious stress that has been present for the last year and half has caught up to me. 

Health-wise, my latest blood work shows I am extremely deficient in Vitamin D.  The dose of radioactive iodine I had last August has depleted my Vitamin D levels.  My doctor said this alone could account for my fatigue.  She has prescribed a second round of prescription Vitamin D, in hopes that will raise my levels back to the normal range. 

All of this compiled has resulted in very little motivation or desire to run.  The other day at the gym, I ran a third of a mile, and felt like I had run ten miles. (It is painful to write that!)  I was tired, winded, and wanted to just stop, go home, and go to bed.  I forced- and I mean forced -myself to keep going, and I ended up running 6.5 miles at a 9:10 pace, but my heart and my head were not in it. 

I was going to try an ambitious mountain half marathon in June, but I have no desire right now to put in the hard training I would have to do to run it the way I planned to.  I have been riding my bike more lately than running, and am really enjoying that.  I have been building up my distance and speeds, and I’m not worrying about setting any hard or fast goals.  Right now, bike riding doesn’t feel like work, and running does.  Fortunately, cycling is good cross training.    

I have still been running on average 10 miles a week, and I am going to try to keep that up.  I hope over the next few weeks, I will decompress from everything, and my motivation will return.  I have worked really hard to get to where I am, and I don’t want to just let it slide away.    

Last week I was running on the treadmill at the gym, and having a really hard time just completing a 5K distance (3.1 miles).  I had run 2 miles and saw I was on pace to finish at over 30 minutes.  I haven’t run a 5K distance in over 30 minutes in months.  For the first time in a while, I felt that drive and motivation kick in.  I turned up the pace to run almost two minutes faster for the last 1.1 miles.  It was hard, but I did it and finished in 28 minutes. 

When I was getting off the treadmill a man came over to me and told me “very nice run-especially at the end.”  He said he used to run, but didn’t anymore.  He said he was going to ask me if I run in races, but after seeing me run at the end, he wanted to ask me now how many races I have won.  It was a very nice remark from a stranger, who knew nothing of the funk I’ve been in, didn’t know that was one of my slowest runs, and I’ve been struggling.   But I knew.  And the part that he said was very nice was the end- when I was running like I know I can, when I’m motivated.   

I am not sure what I really need to do, to get my running motivation back.  I hope I can figure it out soon though, because I have a marathon to train for. 

If you have any ideas, comments, or suggestions, I’d love to hear them. 

Heather is a one-year thyroid cancer survivor, and a single mom to two boys.  She lives near Longmont, CO, and has blogged extensively on her cancer diagnosis, surgery, and recovery at her blog, A Mama’s Blog.  Heather enjoys spending time with her sons (ages 6 and 4), running, cycling, hiking, and gardening.  Heather’s Choose You Fitness Goal is running in a marathon this year.

I will never forget that day.  It was just over a year ago, on April 18, 2009.  It was Saturday and it was raining.  I turned my phone on, and saw I had a voicemail message.  As I listened to the voice on the other end, my heart sunk and I knew. 

My ENT surgeon left a message asking me to call him at his office.  He had the results of my thyroid biopsy. I had suspicious nodules on my thyroid.  Doctors don’t call you at home on a Saturday for good news.  I knew before I talked to him he was going to tell me I had thyroid cancer. 

When the phone call was done, I crawled into bed and cried.  I thought of my two little boys, Ryan and Cole.  How could I have cancer? I exercised.  I ate lots of organic fruits and vegetables. I didn’t smoke.  There was no thyroid cancer history in my family.  And yet, on that rainy Saturday morning, my reality was I had cancer.

Thirteen months later, after a complete thyroidectomy and neck dissection surgery, severe hypothyroidism for months, radioactive iodine treatment (RAI), and thyroid hormone replacement therapy, I have been declared as cancer free as I can be- for now.  The real mark comes at one year after undergoing RAI, which for me will be in August after more tests and body scans are performed. 

I have had a lot of time to reflect on cancer and its aftermath.  Even though I thought I was doing a pretty good job with taking care of my physical health, I have realized I didn’t do a very good job of taking care of my emotional health.

Health is so much more than just eating organic vegetables.  It is a total connection with your mind and body, and making choices that ensures both are being nourished and supported.  I let everything else come before myself.  I let myself slide to the background because I thought as a mom that is what you have to do. I ignored and chose not to deal with a lot of problems that caused me enormous stress and anxiety for years.  And ultimately, this cost me my health for a period of time.

After battling thyroid cancer, and hearing so many stories from readers of my blog, I was honored to be asked to be a part of the Amercian Cancer Society Blogging Advisory Council last November.  When I heard about the Choose You campaign, I loved the idea. 

In September 2009, I started training to run in the 5K Susan Koman Race for the Cure in Denver.  I was hooked. I had never liked running that much, but I had a new appreciation for it after cancer. I am very excited to blog with Choose You as I reach my goal of running in a marathon.  I hope I can accomplish this goal by October. 

I have lived with the results of not choosing myself.  The example I want to set for my sons does not include putting my health on the back burner, and not taking care of me.  It makes me a better mom, and it ensures I stay on top of my health. 

I hope my experience and journey will inspire other busy moms and women.  It is very easy to give excuses, and to tell yourself “I can’t.”  But when you say “I can,”–even if it is going for a walk around the block- that is taking the first step to Choose You.        

Heather is a one-year thyroid cancer survivor, and a single mom to two boys.  She lives near Longmont, CO, and has blogged extensively on her cancer diagnosis, surgery, and recovery at her blog, A Mama’s Blog.  Heather enjoys spending time with her sons (ages 6 and 4), running, cycling, hiking, and gardening.  Heather’s Choose You Fitness Goal is running in a marathon this year.